Monday, August 30, 2010

Democrats: An insider's perspective

I will start by saying that this post has been a long, long time coming. Having grown up in their stronghold and somehow making it out with both my morals and body intact, I feel compelled to share about them with the rest of the world.

This also might be a small token gesture of revenge to all of the people who bashed my ideology/ faith during high school. But it might not be. :)

At any rate, I present to you:


First of all, all democrats do not talk like Obama. While they are frequently well versed in what they think should be done with our nation, they are fully capable of communicating in ways other than motivational speeches and pausing for effect every six or seven words.

They also do not march places. Unless they're in a marching band, and then they only march sometimes.

It is also a well established reality that the Democrats of New York have maintained a fully operational ninja strike force team since the founding of their state in 1376.
The NYNs (New York Ninjas) have been responsible for many things over these past few centuries. A few of the more significant ones were Abraham Lincoln's hat, Swiss cheese, math, and of course Neil Patrick Harris.

In Massachusetts, you can never be too careful of them. They have eyes and ears everywhere.

All donkeys in MA are really cyborg drones. Even the PEZ dispensers.

Since they're everywhere, it's vitally important to be prepared to do battle. Often just sensing a non-democrat nearby is enough to send some of them into a frenzy of righteous indignation.
Sort of like that, only they do it for political reasons as opposed to just for kicks.

When fighting Democrats, there are a couple of weapons that you should equip yourself with. I try to bring at least three of them with me everywhere I go, just to be on the safe side.

1. Logic
While I have admitted most Democrats are well versed in what they believe, that doesn't necessarily mean that they know WHY they believe it. Countering their arguments with common sense and reason will frequently cause them to resort to the "Well, you're wrong because you disagree with me", which is the argumentative equivalent of a sword through your own brain. It's also hilarious to watch them squirm.

2. Any picture of George W. Bush
Like a red hot knife through butter. Their irrational fear/dislike for anything Bush did will send them packing almost instantly.
In the interest of being fair, however, I tried the same thing on a Republican using a picture of Obama. The effect was the same.

3. Not sharing your money
Nothing demoralizes them faster than holding onto your own hard earned cash.

4. Handguns
This one has little to do with whether or not the person you're engaged in combat with is a democrat and more to do with the fact that guns are pretty effective on anyone.

5. Sunlight
You know the zombie apocalypse everyone is always talking about? Enough said. Flashlights don't work as well, but will suffice when you're in a pinch.

And now for the disclaimer. None of the stuff in this post should be taken seriously and/or personally. That is all. I wrote this for funsies.

It also appears I lied about having a list of music this time around. I apologize for that. In an attempt to make it up to you, I'm letting the Andy (go look at the post on coffee- that Andy) do a guest post of his very own. I don't know what it's about, so it will be a surprise for everyone!

We'll see how it turns out. Until next time, then.


  1. When does the Lyzcman get to do a guest post for yours truly?

  2. he said he was going to email one to me, so when he follows through then i'll post it. until then, you're going to have to put up with me and my stories :P